I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
