Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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