I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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