So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
