I can text with my tongue
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
