Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
