the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
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I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
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I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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