For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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