Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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