Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
