I think I won the penis lottery.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize