She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
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I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
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He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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