Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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