Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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