Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
