Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You dont lie about slip and slides
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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