margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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