I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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