I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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