I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
