yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i think im in europe. pls send help
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
