She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
