The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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