Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
