apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Is Oprah even human
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
