Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
