I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
