Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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