His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
