Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
