Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
