Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
