Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
