so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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