Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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