there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
