Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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