she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
