I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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