Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
