When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
