wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
