why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
