shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
