I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
