so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
