you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
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Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
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Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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