I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she looked like the before picture.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
