There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
