I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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