after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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