i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
