I think I won the penis lottery.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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