Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
