I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
