I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm passing your future prison.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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