I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
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I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
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My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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