I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
