You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
