My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
