guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
